I don't quite know how to feel about this specific personal realization, but here it is: I really love attention. I like little bits of it every now and then, like an addict and their heroin. Someone calling my name, texts, calls, credit where it's due, the little window popping up on facebook from someone saying hello. And these things can come from absolutely anyone and they make me giddy. I figured this out at work yesterday. I was putting up the fourth leg on a canopy tent, which is always the most difficult and I can never do it myself. But I decided to give it another try and while I'm mustering all the strength I have in my arms to get this thing together, the people holding the tent up start cheering for me and encouraging me. Then suddenly, the tent is up. It was like all my fortitude fed off of the verbal supports of my coworkers. I felt strong. But then I felt weak for needing the attention to succeed. Later on in the day, a guy I find particularly interesting says "Kaylee, come with me" and I notice I'm prancing like a child at the sound of my own name. Me, being chosen out of the entire crew for something I wasn't even aware of. It ended up being "Help me ratchet down these tents" which wasn't so special, but goddammit, I love hearing my own name. I'm not so sure if my fondness for encouragement is so much more profound than other people's, but this realization struck me a little.

Because then I started thinking about how I felt when I don't get the attention I want. I do some strange things. Since I was young, I would do retarded things to get the attention of boys who barely knew who I was. And when I became aware of it, I tried to stop but it would always innately come out of me, beyond my self-control. I'm pretty sure I terrified every boy I liked when I was younger. I haven't done anything stupid in a while, but I still like to vie for attention. I try to joke and kid around but if a guy doesn't like it, then I shut completely up. I can usually perceive right away if he's going to be alright with "clever girl" or "strange girl who never speaks." I'm so fucking weird.

So when neither of these work, and I'm not getting attention, I flip the fuck out. Mostly internally. Some girls like to get desperate when they don't get the calls. Infinite texts, "Here, take my number. Please.", facebook add, facebook message, facebook wall post. I can't do this. I want him to come at me completely unwarranted. I'm so bad at sending signals sometimes because there is a specific way I never want to be perceived which is easy and desperate. And then the guy thinks I'm not interested, and he leaves my life, and I pine for him, and I die a little inside knowing that I'm too weak to "make a move." Every time I say "the next one, definitely." And then before I know it, they've come and gone.

Right now, my heart aches for guy I'm not sure I'll ever see again. He's coming here from Vancouver for Sled Island which is this weekend. I told him last month to talk to me when he's in town and wants to hang out. And that's the most I can do. I can't ask for his number. I can't give him mine if he doesn't want it. I can't start a facebook conversation with him because he'll think I'm desperate. But the one time that little window popped up, I could feel my heart skip a beat. And we talked until 2am, but now here we are three weeks later and we haven't spoken. I'm really hoping he'll let me know when he's in town. If he doesn't, he's not interested and it's over. I can stop my pining, but I will feel sad and unwanted. But only for a bit and maybe I can get my heart and head back together. I really hope I'm not sad about this on my fucking birthday.