I can't believe how empty I've allowed myself to become.
I can never be happy.
The little holes all over me never allow me to hold the water of good things. I fill myself up and it spills out.
I'm filling with things that are too thin. I need something solid and steady.
I don't let myself feel anything. I fear feelings. I made my heart rock hard and immovable, there is no satisfying this chest.

When I can't figure out what to do, I act crazy. I would rather look psychotic than look like the hot girl. I don't want to try to turn you on, I want to turn you away. I want to strike fear in your soul and make you weary about getting close. But I still want to see you try. And I might have really fucked up this one. I know I fucking disgust and terrify and annoy you, but you will keep coming back because I am that kind of girl. I know you don't like me and it's alright. I don't really want you to because I don't want it to become more.

I know what you see in me and it makes me feel sick. I am sick. I hate this. I hate myself. I fucking hate you. But I want to feel you still. I don't know if it's a bad thing to be this way, I just wish it didn't suck as much. Getting to the point where I am this okay with being that kind of girl has taken so long, and I have so much longer to go yet. I'm just so good at knowing how not to love that I want to take advantage of it. I never realized there would still be other repercussions.