So I've never really been in love. I've been infatuated and I've cried over guys but I can't quite say my heart's ever been broken. Never had a boyfriend. My parents think I'm gay and my brother thinks I'm just too weird to get one. I really just have no desire for a relationship. I like being free and loose among the waves of existence without some buoyant boy to float on. Eventually I'm sure I'd like a lover, but I can't imagine how far away that will be. I've been considering getting a boyfriend for the sole purpose of practicing being in a relationship. Then I realize I am just too weird to have one.

  I went on okcupid or some website like that for about three minutes before I freaked out and left. I was on the page where they ask you all your values and interests and dreams so they can look for others with similar lifestyles. But I don't exactly know what my values are and I doubt they're even positive or matchable. Plus I don't want to date anyone like me, I think that would be seriously dreadful. Just for fun, here's what my personal profile would probably read as:

Hi. I'm Kaylee Rae. I'm an alien from space, possibly from Jupiter or the Moon, I'm not positive which. I was born in Calgary but I consider Vancouver more my hometown. I'm in love with the ocean. Music is my reason for existing and if I had to give up one of my senses, it would be sight so I could have perfect pitch and not be so shallow. I'm becoming more of a hermit as the days go by so I don't have an abundance of friends. I miss people too much. I like books and art more than I like nearly anyone. I think fascists get some things right. If you pray to an imaginary man in the sky, I will presume you're psychotic. Unless you're gorgeous. I usually don't find people attractive, in fact, I might be asexual. 

And that's me. Here's a funny story: I'm pretty sure my "one that got away" has come and gone. He was in Vancouver, and I met him at work. I was hired in October to work as a professional zombie. I got paid to scare the shit out of people. And it was fantastic. Anyways, the boy worked in the clown house but I never saw him in makeup. Just when he was supervising. I don't know how, but he was drawn to me and was one of the first friends I made there. Even with all my terrifying painted-on features, he would vie for my attention. This one time, he was singing something to himself when he was behind me and when I turned around to see who it was, he stopped and said "Sorry, I was just singing to myself..." I always have an angry look on my face until I'm driven to emote something else, so he probably assumed I was annoyed by his voice. I laughed and asked what song and he told me the new Tokyo Police Club album has been in his head. Sometime later he tells me Kings of Leon's new album is great too. Within the week, I had bought both albums and they are on repeat on the old iPod for about a month. I still think of him every time I listen to those songs. I don't know if I really liked the albums or if my infatuation with him was manifesting itself in the music.

The day before Halloween was my last shift. I was on my way out of the dressing room, anticipating that I'd never see the boy again and in a strange twist, he appears. He jokes for me to hurry up because he wants to change. "You can't tell me what to do!" I cooed. This is where he walks up to me and with about three inches between our faces he says "I'll tell you whatever I want." The way he said it sounded so filthy that I was basically swooning and fighting every urge to force him behind a closed door and tear off his clothes. All I can reply is "You're not the boss of me" and he grins as he points to his "supervisor" name tag and says "Oh really?" I laugh and push him away just to release us from the overwhelming sexual tension. I tell him it's my last shift and he asks if I want a hug. It was raining that night, so he opened up his black coat so I could hug him from inside and not get wet. He had a hilarious sweater that had a panda face, it was unforgettable. I need to find one for myself. I put my arms around him, underneath his jacket, and felt the warmest sensation I remember feeling in my whole life. It was like a homecoming. His blond hair was dark with water and it dripped onto my shoulders. And that was the last time I saw him.

I'm glad he never ended up a one night stand. That would have ruined it. I'm glad I never dated him and broke up some months later. That would have been worse. Of course I wish he could have been my one and only forever, but that's only possible if I ever see him again. And I hope I do. It does sound quite neurotic, to think my "one" was a boy I never even knew more than a month, but I enjoy the idea of it. That I missed out on my chance at a nice, happy little fate. That if he truly is that one, that I will certainly meet him again. That I don't have to worry if the next boy might be the "one". He's already come and gone.